


On The Run And Go

by fallloutangel (kiligreenleaf)



Series: I Need You To Stay [4]
Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Breaking Up & Making Up, Flashbacks, M/M, Nightmares, Panic Attacks, Past Abuse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-24
Updated: 2016-01-16
Packaged: 2018-04-23 03:49:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 10,955
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4861886
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kiligreenleaf/pseuds/fallloutangel
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tears leaked from his eyes and his body shuddered silently as he desperately tried to deny what he knew he had to do.</p><p>He had to leave Dan.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Nobody said it was easy (it's such a shame for us to part)

**Author's Note:**

> Note: There's a lot of going back and forth in the timeline of this fic so the dates are just there to help keep the order of scenes straight.

_Nobody said it was easy_

_It's such a shame for us to part_

_Nobody said it was easy_

_No one ever said it would be this hard_

_Oh take me back to the start_

_-Coldplay_

_~_

_~17 days after ground zero~_

 

(May 7th)

 

He just… left.

Dan would be lying if he said that he didn't see it coming.

Tears pricked at his eyes and his hand curled tighter around his coffee cup. He furiously blinked them back because he _will not break down in the middle of a Starbucks, for fuck’s sake pull yourself together._

__

Dan had never felt worse in his whole life. He honestly doesn’t know he successfully got out of bed, dressed in clothes other than pajamas, and arrived on time to meet Louise. It’s truly a miracle considering that he constantly felt like his insides were literally ripped into pieces and he was being held together safety pins.

He had gone into deep hibernation for the past few weeks, drowning himself in his sorrows, isolating himself from the world and his followers. His twitter feed had been dead for weeks now and he’d turned off all notifications. Really it was only a matter of time before one of his friends noticed that he’d disappeared off the face of the internet. This time it was Louise, but to be honest when wasn’t it Louise.

He’d gotten a text the night before, asking the expected: where he’d been, what’s going on, etc. He’d responded with the usual: I’m fine, nothing’s wrong, _lies lies all lies._

But Louise wasn’t having any of his bullshit. Her reply had been: _Uh huh, sure. Meet me at Starbucks @ 10 tomorrow._

__

If it were any other person, he would’ve tried to get out of it, but he knew Louise. If he’d said that he couldn’t go she would be at ~~their~~ his flat the next day, pounding on the door.

So here he was sitting at a table waiting for her to show up and mentally preparing to answer all her questions. Questions he didn’t even think he knew the answer to. _why did he have to leave why_

“Dan!”

His head turned to where his name had been called, spotting the familiar blonde head in the crowd. He couldn’t help but a small, but genuine, smile creep across his face as she bounced over to him. “Hello, Louise,” he greeted as he got up and gave her a tight hug.

“It’s so good to see you again!” she said, smiling. “What’s it been… two or three months?”

Dan nodded, “I know, it’s been too long.”

They sat down at the table and he asked her some questions; how was Darcy, Matt, what she’d been working on lately. He just catching up, definitely _not_ stalling.

After some time, he was rambling on about God knows what, when she grabbed his hand across the table stopping him. “Dan… I’m sorry, but I have to ask. How are you?”

“I’m...“

His voice trailed off, the words _I’m fine_ dying on his tongue. He thought about lying, saying that he was just a little tired, that he was okay, but he… couldn’t. He was so sick of saying that he was fine and pretending that nothing was wrong.

“Louise, to be completely honest with you,” He struggled to get his words out, “I’m not fine. Not even a little.”

He wanted to tell her everything, spill out all his secrets. About Phil, and about how bad things had been these past few months. The sleepless nights, the panic attacks, just let everything out.

But he couldn’t. He couldn’t just tell Phil’s secret to anybody he wanted to. It wasn’t his story to tell. He couldn’t betray him like that.

“Does this have anything to do with you and Phil?” she hesitantly prompted, seeing him struggle to find words.

His throat tightened and he closed his eyes, hearing Phil’s broken voice echo around his head.

_“Dan, we need to take a break.”_

__

“Louise, he...” Dan’s words caught in his throat. Saying it out loud made it so real. Too real.

“Louise, Phil left.”

_~2 days before ground zero~_

 

(April 18th)

 

Phil sat on the edge of their bed with his head buried in his hands, sweat making his fringe stick to his forehead. He cried quietly into his hands, as not to wake the sleeping figure in the bed beside him.

Things weren’t getting better.

He remembered the night that Dan held him and whispered in his ear, _“We’ll get through this, you’ll be okay, things will get better.”_

Lies. All of them. It was only getting worse.

Even Dan noticed how edgy he’s been acting. He started walking on eggshells around him, being careful of very touch and everything he said, being extra careful not to cause a flinch or a panic attack.

Phil hated it.

He hated himself for taking away what they had. They used to be so comfortable with each other, but now tension radiates in every aspect of their relationship. Dan even asks permission to _hold his fucking hand._

As frustrating as it is, he knows where Dan is coming from. He was the one that rubbed his back comfortingly as Phil kneeled hunched over the toilet, some panic attacks and flashbacks making him so nauseous that he actually had to vomit. Dan had to watch Phil grow thinner and thinner because he barely make himself eat, let alone keep the food down.

Dan was the one who had to watch from the sidelines as Phil slowly destroyed himself.

Their last fight rung harshly in his ears.

_“Dan, you don’t have to walk around me like I’m made of glass! I understand that this is hard, but please, stop treating me like I’m this crazy person who’s going to flip out at the tiniest thing. I want you to touch me, and I just want it to be like it was before. I want us back!”_

__

_“Phil, you know it’s not that simple-”_

__

_“It is! I’m not broken-_

__

_“You are.”_

He could still feel the despair he felt when he heard those two words. But Dan was right. He was broken.

The past few weeks had been hell. His anxiety was the worst it’s ever been, flinching at the slightest of sounds. He literally couldn’t go three hours without being plagued by nightmares. He was _so so so tired. Please I just want to sleep._

__

Dan promised that he would protect him, but not even Dan could save him from his own mind.

He couldn’t do it any more. He wasn’t ready for a relationship and he would never forgive himself if Dan got cut on his broken pieces.

Tears leaked from his eyes and his body shuddered silently as he desperately tried to deny what he knew he had to do.

He had to leave Dan.

 


	2. Tell me your secrets (ask me you're questions)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN: The first scene is the fight that Phil references in the first chapter, happy reading!

_~three days before ground zero~_

 

(April 17th)

 

“I’m not broken-”

“You are!”

It was like time froze between them. Dan felt his stomach clench and try to crawl up his throat. _Why the fuck did you just say that you complete-_

The blue eyes just stared at him, wide and betrayed. Electric shock turned to despair and the eyes looked away.

“Is...is that really what you think?” Phil’s small voice broke the silence between them, and sounded of a admission of defeat or surrender.

“No, Phil… I didn’t mean to- you know I don’t think that-”

“But you do, don’t you.” It came out a statement, rather than a question.

“No! Phil, please-”

“Listen, I know that I’m not the person you fell in love with, okay? I _know_.” Phil’s voice shook tremendously. “I know that it’s been rough, and I would give anything to have it go back to the way it was, Dan. I want us to be… normal. But  I’m trying to get better. Dan, I _swear_ I am-”

“Phil...” He tried to reach out to comfort him, but Phil stepped back. Dan sighed and backed away. “I know, Phil. I know that you’re trying. We both are. And I didn’t mean it. I don’t know why I said that. It’s not true. Not even a little!” Dan pleaded, desperate for Phil to believe him. “Please, I’m sorry- I’m so, so sorry.”

Phil just stood there, eyes fixed to the floor and arms around himself consciously. Like he was trying to make himself seem smaller.

 

“It’ll get better,” Dan promised. “ _We’ll_ get better.”

 

Phil shook his head, shoulders tense.

 

“Dan,” he said, his voice wavering. “It’s getting worse.” His sapphire eyes shone with a veil of tears that were barely being held back.

Dan cautiously moved towards him, like he was approaching a wild animal, careful not to startle it so it wouldn’t run away. “Phil? What’s getting worse…?”

Phil gave a half sob, still restraining himself and said in a choked voice, “Everything- the nightmares, flashbacks…. Dan, I’m not-” He tilted his head back and held his eyes wide, nails biting harshly into his hands as he clenched them. “-I’m not sure how much more I can take.”

Dan’s head whirled under the weight of the confession. He frantically shook his head. “No, no, no. Phil-” He reached out to grab him, but stopped himself. “Please, no- don’t give up-” His voice grew thick under Phil’s faltering gaze.

Phil choked back a sob. “I’m sorry that I’ve ruined everything.”

“No! Phil, you haven’t- please“ Dan bit his lip harshly to keep the tears from falling. “I won’t lie - I know that it’s been hard - but _please_ believe me when I tell you that it will get better.”

His eyes burned and he felt like there was a rock stuck in his throat. Phil hesitantly stepped forward and pressed against Dan’s chest. Dan instantly engulfed him with his arms, severely needing something to hold onto, one breath away from tears. “I love you, I’m sorry,” he heard Phil whisper into his chest.

He dismissed the apology, holding on tighter. “I love you too.”

Phil was gone three days later.

_~present: 17 days after ground zero~_

 

(May 7th)

 

“Do you at least know where he went or where he is?”

“Yeah,” Dan replied, staring at his hands. “He went back up North.”

He and Louise had moved from the coffeeshop back to Dan’s flat, so they could have more privacy.

“Do you want to talk about what happened?” Louise offered, sitting down on the couch next to Dan.

An unwillingness welled up in Dan’s chest and he now understood what Phil felt like every time he would try to get him to open up to him. But he also knew from dealing with Phil that having someone to talk to is better than being left alone.

“Louise, I wish I could tell you everything…” His ran his fingers through his hair. “But I couldn’t do that to Phil.”

She gave him a small, but  understanding smile. “I’m here to listen, just get something off your chest.”

Dan nodded, taking a deep breath. “We had been going through a bit of a rough patch, I guess you could say. Well, more like a major rough patch. Phil, he...” Dan struggled with trying to avoid telling Phil’s secret, considering it was the only reason it all went wrong.

He sighed, “I’m sorry, Louise… I just don’t know how to say how all this happened without...” He made a noise of frustration and waved his hand around.

“Dan,” Louise ventured carefully. “I need to ask you something,” she wrung her hands nervously. “It’s about Phil and you don’t have to answer if you don’t want to and I could be completely wrong or out of line, but-”

“Louise,” Dan interrupted her rambling. “It’s okay, just go ahead.”

“Right. Was Phil… um,” She spoke slowly, deliberately choosing her words. “Did something… bad happen to Phil, like before?”

Dan’s eyes widened slightly and he tensed. “Wha-what do you mean?”

“Well, I mean…” Louise took a moment before continuing. “Ever since I met him, he was always kind of… how do I put this? Well, twitchy, I suppose?” Her voice rose slightly at the end, uncertainty seeping into her words. “He was always on the edge of his seat, like he was just waiting for something bad to happen, flinching more often than a normal person would… I don’t know…”

She fiddled with the ends of her hair apprehensively, “I just know that I was once friends with this girl who had been a victim of abuse, I’m not going to go into detail” -she hesitated slightly- “but the way Phil acted sometimes reminded me of her.”

Dan was speechless. Had he really been that oblivious to Phil’s behavior before? Others had obviously picked up on it. Previously sated guilt fueled up again as he wondered how many many more people noticed before he did.

Louise, on the other hand, took his silence a different way and her eyes widened. She began to quickly take back what she’d said. “Oh God, I'm completely wrong, aren't I? I’m so sorry, Dan. I had no reason to say that-”

“You’re right.”

Louise froze and looked at Dan as he stared at the carpet with a pained expression.

“You’re right, something bad -no, _terrible_ \- happened to him and I can’t-” Dan swallowed the lump growing in his throat. “I can’t believe that I didn’t know till only a few months ago, and you knew all this time. This whole time I’ve fucking kicking myself for not noticing that something was wrong and now-” Dan buried his face in his hands, “now he’s gone”

Louise listened, an intense sadness lurking in her eyes. She put a hand on Dan’s shoulder comfortingly. “If it makes a difference, I really wish I wasn’t right,” she said softly. “Do you want to talk about it?”

Debating whether or not, Dan sat there for a minute. He eventually lifted his head, mentally preparing himself to relive these moments that he wanted desperately to forget.

“It was an abusive relationship. I found out about four months ago when he broke a plate and had a flashback.” Dan swallowed thickly. “He _begged_ me not to hit him…”

She grabbed his hand supportively when he trailed off. He gave a her a small pained smile, but it didn’t reach his eyes.

He cleared his throat, continuing, “I can’t really pinpoint the exact moment when everything started to go to shit; when I couldn’t really help him anymore. He started sleeping in the guest bedroom about every other night, and he’d flinch all the time, even at the smallest things.” He laced his fingers in his hair, despairingly. “Right before he left, he could barely get more than three hours of sleep without having a nightmare.

“I don’t know why I couldn’t help him. It’s was so stupid of me, but before I thought I could... fix him,” A laugh escapes Dan’s lips, hard and bitter. “I was so stupid! I mean, I’m not some miracle worker! Being with me wasn’t going to heal all that happened to him.”

Dan tilted his head back, eyes stinging. “I probably made it worse, and it’s my fault that he left.”

Dan couldn’t even imagine how hopeless and trapped Phil felt, being promised time after time that it would get better and _it didn’t._

“Dan Howell, look at me right now,” Louise ordered. Dan reluctantly met her intense gaze. “It was not your fault. Do you understand me?”

Dan shook his head. “Louise, you don’t understand-”

“Then make me understand!” she pleaded urgently. “I know that Phil wouldn’t want you to blame yourself for this-”

“I called him broken!” He sighed into his hands and explained more clearly, “We got into a fight, and I basically told him that he broken and three days later, he’s gone.”

 

He would do _anything_ to take what he had said to him back. But the damage had been done.

 

Louise rested a hand on Dan’s knee. “Dan, listen to me. I may not know the whole story, but I know that there’s more to it than that.” She lifted his head up to look at her. “I _know_ Phil, and he would not leave just because of one fight. What _exactly_ did Phil say before he left?”

Dan numbly relived the event in his head, remorse clinging to his frame. “He broke up with me. Said that we needed to take a break and that he it wasn’t good for him to be in a relationship right now. He told me that he needed to take some time to get better.”

“Wait. So he said, ‘take a break’? So, that means he’ll come back?”

Dan shrugged. “I wouldn’t blame him if he doesn’t.”

“Oh Dan, you idiot!” she exclaimed. “Phil just needs some time! All he needs right now is some space. Relapses are _terrifying_ , and if going home and taking a hiatus is what will help him, then you need to support that decision. He adores you, Dan! It was probably hell to make that choice. He’ll come back, you wait and see.”

Dan looked at her, a tiny spark of hope igniting his chest. “Do you really think he’ll come back?”  

 **  
** Louise smiled. “He’ll come back. That I can promise you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yay a hopeful ending for once ;D (thank god for Louise am I right) I hope you all liked it and are looking forward to the next chapter!
> 
> The chapter title is from The Scientist by Coldplay


	3. Tell me that you love me (say you want to leave me)

_~ground zero~_

__

(April 20th)

Dan felt something was wrong from the moment he opened his eyes. It wasn’t because of the lack of a body lying next to him, he was strangely used to the emptiness now. Recently, Phil had taken to staying the night back in his old room, attempting to try to sleep better. But this morning felt different; it was something in the air and it felt wrong. Very wrong.

Dan had gone on his day a little more tense than usual, waiting for something to unfold. It was like  a dark storm cloud loomed above him head threatening to strike down with lightning at any moment. And just when he had about convinced himself that he was being unreasonably paranoid, he heard a hesitant tapping on the open door.

“Dan?” Phil stood in the door frame uncertainty, nervousness and dread dripping from his voice as he fidgeted with his hands.

Dan sat up from his position with his laptop and set it to the side, noticing how on edge the other was acting. “Phil, what’s wrong?” he asked cautiously.

“Dan…” Phil stared at his hands intently. “I have to talk with you.”

Dan couldn’t help a feeling of dread curled in his gut at Phil’s words, but he still hurriedly made room. “Of course!” He said, motioning for Phil to sit.

Phil sat down and seemed to look anywhere but Dan’s eyes. “Phil?” Dan ventured. “What’s wrong?”

Phil tilted his head back and looked at the ceiling, biting his lip harshly. “Dan, I…”

Concern tore at Dan’s lungs as Phil struggled to talk, blue eyes shone with tears.

“You know that you can tell me anything right?” Dan consoled. “Whatever it is, I’m here for you, okay?”

For whatever reasons Dan’s comforting words seemed to have the opposite effect on Phil, who let out a half-sob into his hand, trying to stop himself. “I know!” Phil choked out, shoulders shaking. “I know that, and you’ve been so perfect and I’m so sorry-”

“Phil! What’s going on? Why are you sorry?” Dan cut in, completely startled at Phil’s reaction. “Whatever it is, it’ll be okay! Please, don’t cry…” Dan said helplessness, as Phil shook his head furiously, a few more sobs escaping.

Dan gently wrapped his arms around the shaking body and pulled him close. Phil clung to his larger frame and buried his face in his shoulder. “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry,” he sobbed repeatedly into Dan’s shirt.

“Shhh, it’s okay… it’s okay” Dan soothed as he ran his fingers through his black hair.

“No, it’s not!” Phil cried. “You’re going to hate me!”

“Hey!” Dan pushed his back by the shoulders, looking him in the eye. “Nothing could ever make me hate you. _Nothing_.”

Phil stared at him in despair, his blue eyes exhausted and terrified, tears still sliding down his face. “I love you… and I’m so sorry.”

“Phil, please,” Dan begged, desperately. ”What the hell are you talking about?”

“Dan-” Phil cut off with a sob and covered his mouth.  “Dan, we need to take a break.”

 ****  
  


 

_~present: 18 days since ground zero~_

(May 8th)

It was the first time Dan had checked twitter in weeks. In his hiatus of self pity he’d isolated himself from all social media, but his talk with Louise had inspired him to get up and actually start doing his job again.

As he had predicted, his followers were all going a little crazy, his notifications flooded with tweets from everyone, asking where he was, if he was okay, what had happened, but then one caught his eye.

_@danisnotonfire did something happen to you and phil_

__

He had been expecting the shippers to be overanalyzing everything, but he had really hoped he wouldn’t see it so soon. Grimacing, he skimmed through more quickly, more and more tweets like the other started appearing  as he scrolled down.

_@danisnotonfire did you and @AmazingPhil break up_

__

_@danisnotonfire HEY NOT TO WORRY U BUT IM KINDA FREAKING OUT WHATS HAPPENING SORRY BYE_

__

_@danisnotonfire you guys are really scaring me. what’s happening, is everything okay?_

__

_@danisnotonfire where are you and what happened to phil? pleaseee come back I’m dying #phangirlincrisis_

His heart began to beat a little faster as he continued to skim the tweets. It really wasn’t a good idea to just disappear off the internet without any warning. It was just asking for a response like this.

He hesitated before he went to Phil’s page, not really sure if he wanted to see his last tweets. His leg bounced restlessly as Phil’s page loaded, showing his most recent tweets. The latest ones were dated about two days after he left.

**_@AmazingPhil_ **

_Hey guys! I’m sorry but some personal issues have come up and I’m going to be going on hiatus for a while. I just ask for some privacy_

__

_I’ll be back as soon as I can. Thank you for your support <3_

They felt detached, like they shouldn’t even be in Phil’s feed. They were sorely lacking the unique Phil Lester enthusiasm and adorableness that was apart of everything he wrote. It physically hurt to read, hearing the words in his head. He felt like one of their subscribers, reading them over and over, trying to decode every word.

He went back to his own page and started composing his own explanation of his disappearance, taking inspiration from Phil’s tweets: being as vague as he possibly could and not giving much- or any- of an explanation.

**_@danisnotonfire_ **

_hello internet, sorry about the three week disappearance. i’m back now and will be back on a regular uploading/liveshow schedule soon_

__

He publishing it, then hesitated before typing the next.  

_**@danisnotonfire** _

_also i am fine. thank you all for your concern and kind words, but privacy is very much appreciated at the moment_

He quickly scrolled through some of the immediate at replies, most of which were just freaking out that he had come back. He read the excited tweets filled with joy, but he had never before had he felt so empty inside. He couldn’t stop himself from going back to Phil’s page and refreshing it, in some vain attempt. He thought that maybe, just maybe, one would appear saying that he was coming back, that he was okay again, that everything would go back normal.

That they could be happy again.

But nothing new came up. And it felt like Phil was leaving all over again.

In the back of his mind, he clung to Louise’s reassurances that he would come back and his eyes stayed glued to the words in his final tweet: _I’ll be back as soon as I can_. But he was unable to block out the same ominous echo that had been haunting him day and night.

_“Dan, we need to take a break.”_

He could practically hear Phil saying it. Like he was there in front of him, telling him how sorry he was, looking so… defeated.

Dan had sat in shock when Phil had told him those dreadful words. He felt like he was unable to move. His mind had gone into overdrive. He didn’t understand. He had thought that they would beat this, that they would overcome. That they would have gotten through the long days and sleepless nights together, not apart.

He never thought that they’d be apart.  

Dan had just sat there numbly, hearing Phil’s stifled sobs, watching him fall apart for the final time and he did nothing.

He sat there, just he was doing now. Bones cold, heart numb.

_“Dan, you have to let me go.”_

__

_I can’t._

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ugh you have no idea how hard it is to make tweeting serious. Sorry everyone for the slow update, but these last two weeks have been actually insane, and I got hit with some writers block. (Plus Phil hit 3 million subs!!! AHHH YAY IM SO PROUD) I would love it if you left a comment if you liked it, maybe predictions of what's gonna happen next?? I'm always open to suggestions/prompts for this verse as well. 
> 
> The chapter title is from the song Say It Now by We The Kings, you should all go check it out :3


	4. Even if you want to leave (I’d let you take that part me)

_You're everywhere I want to be_

_Even when you're far from me_

_I still hold you closer than you know_

_Well even if you wanna leave_

_I'd let you take that part of me_

_I know that it would kill me_

_But I'd swear I'd let you go_

_-We The Kings-_

 

 

_~one week before ground zero~_

__

(April 13th)

“Phil, you’re fucking exhausted! Please, just come to bed,” Dan pleaded.

Phil shook his head, frustration evident in his voice. “No, Dan! I’ll just get nightmares and keep you awake, like last night.”

“Please, you need to sleep! You haven’t been to bed properly in weeks.” Dan couldn’t help but stare at the dark bags that hung heavily under the blue eyes. “I’m getting really worried about you-”

“Dan,” Phil snapped, eyes flashing. “I’m fine. You’re overreact-”

“No, I’m not! You haven’t slept properly in days and when you do fall asleep, you can’t go three hours without screaming your bloody head off!” Dan shouted.

Hurt flashed in Phil’s blue eyes and Dan’s stomach clenched and he immediately regretted his words. “Well, I’m sorry that my nightmares are such an inconvenience to you.” Phil snapped, wrapping his arms around himself.

“Phil…” Dan gave a frustrated sigh and ran his fingers through his hair. “You know that’s not what I meant-”

“Whatever.” Phil dismissed bitterly. He then gave a tired sigh, running out of energy to argue. “Listen, I’ll try to get some sleep, _but_ -” Phil emphasized the last word when Dan perked up, “-I’m going to sleep in my old room. So I won’t bother you from ‘screaming my bloody head off,’ as you so nicely put it.”

Something in Dan’s chest tore as Phil turned and started walked away, “Phil please-” Dan pleaded, grabbing his arm to stop him.

“Don’t touch me!” Phil tore away from Dan’s grip like he’d been burned. His blue eyes wide and drilling themselves into Dan’s.

They both stared at each other, tension high again, but exhaustion weighing down their shoulders. “I…” Dan buried his face in his hands, taking deep breaths. He lifted his head up, sorrow and shame filling his brown eyes. “I’m sorry,” He held out his hand, “Phil, please…”

“Dan,” Phil whispered, swallowing thickly. “You have to let me go.”

_I can’t._

****  
  


 

_~present: one month since ground zero~_

(May 20th)

Dan knew that it was going to be hard living without his other half, but he wasn’t expecting it to feel like this. It felt quite literally like a piece of him had been ripped off, It’s like he’s missing limb or vital organ. He’s slowly bleeding out from this hole inside him except the wound isn’t enough to kill him quickly and it’s just there to make him suffer. It’s open and its gaping and its not healing and it _hurts_.

Dan can’t even begin to describe how much it hurts.

The hole tore a little bigger as each day slowly scraped by. It ripped every time he’d get out of the shower and didn’t have to go towel hunting because Phil’s not there using three towels at a time. And it ripped more when he walked into the kitchen expecting to see the cupboards left open, but every time they were closed.

And the worst is in the mornings when he's laying in bed, not fully conscious and he rolled over to reach for Phil and then-

Then he woke up.

And every day it fucking tore him into pieces.

All motivation that he had before had been sucked out of him leaving him numb and lifeless. It felt like he was falling into a dark pit, and he couldn’t seem to claw his way out. He just kept slipping deeper and deeper...

Nothing seemed to matter anymore and each day passed slower than the last.

Even though it had been a little over a week after since he’d told his followers that he’d be returning his previous schedule, he still hadn’t acted on his promise to start making videos again. Right now, picking up his camera sounded virtually impossible, until one morning when he got a wake up call.

Dan was sprawled awkwardly across one of the couches in the lounge when he was rudely awakened by the sound of someone repeatedly pressing the doorbell. Hoping whoever it was would go away, he tried to ignore it. But when the incessant buzzing noises didn’t stop he groaned loudly, forcing himself to sit up. He rubbed the back of his neck when he felt a painful crick as a result of sleeping on the couch and sluggishly made his way to the door.

He opened it, ready to tell however it was to kindly fuck off. “Who the f-” Suddenly, all of Dan’s anger and annoyance evaporated when he saw his blonde friend at the door. “Louise?” He rubbed his eyes and ran his fingers through his hair tiredly. “What are you doing here, you never said-”

“Good morning to you, too, Dan!” Louise greeted cheerfully, ignoring Dan’s lack of enthusiasm. “And yes, before you go on, I _know_ I didn’t call before coming. I just thought that it would be a good idea to come and check on you, _and_ -” she emphasized, holding up two cups of coffee, “-I did bring coffee, so you can’t kick me out.”

He snorted and rolled his eyes, “Ugh, _fine_ ,” he conceded holding the door open wider and letting her in. He followed her as she trudged up the stairs into the lounge.

She gave an amused snort at the disheveled room. “My God, it looks like you’ve been sleeping in here…” She trailed off when Dan put his hand to the back of his neck and grimaced, looking quite uncomfortable. She widened her eyes at the realization. “Daniel Howell! Have you been sleeping on the couch?”  

“Well…,” he dragged out questioningly, “I wouldn’t exactly call it ‘sleeping’ per say, more like an occasional nap here and there…”

“Oh my God, you totally have, haven’t you!” Louise said, seeing directly through his cover-up.

He crossed his arms defiantly and stared at her, not saying anything. She stared back, squaring her shoulders with an intimidating glint in her eyes.

Under the weight of her stare he broke, unable to keep up his facade. “Okay,” he confessed, and added on defensively, “but it was only once or twice-”

“Dan, why aren’t you sleeping in your bed?”

He shrugged with a guarded expression. He just felt like sleeping on the couch and that was it. (not because he didn’t want to sleep in ~~their~~ his bed alone or anything like that…)

Tired of trying to extract answers from him, she raised up her hands in defeat. “Okay, I won’t push, you don’t have to tell me anything…”

She looked around the room and saw his camera and equipment in the same place they were last time she was here.

“Dan, have you picked up your camera at all since we last spoke?”

He fiddled nervously with his fingers and trying to think of a valid explanation. “Well no, but I’ve been… busy.”

“You’ve been busy,” she echoed and raised her eyebrows completely unconvinced. “Really? _Busy_? Busy doing what, exactly?”

He opened his mouth and tried to think of a believable excuse, but then closed it.

Louise sighed, “That’s what I thought.” She looked at him with a softer expression. “You know, Dan, when Phil decided to go on hiatus, I don’t think he meant for you to go on one as well.”

He swallowed hard, staring at the ground. “I know, it’s just- it’s hard. I never knew it would be so difficult to pick up a camera and do my fucking job, but I just feels like I’d be putting on a front and acting. The last thing I want is for me to stop being genuine, and I just don’t have motivation anymore. He’s not here and I feel so empty… Louise, I don’t know what to do, I just can’t stop thinking about him…” His eyes started stinging and his throat felt like it was closing up. “I just want him to come back.”

She nodded, her eyes sad, “I know, Dan. I know that this is hard. But I truly do think that doing this and putting your mind to something will help you. You don’t need to be on cloud nine to make something. And you don’t even have to post it if you don’t want to, but I truly do think that this will be good for you.” She put a hand on his arm and smiled at him supportively. “And I know that Phil would be hitting himself if he knew that you weren’t making videos because he left. Dan, Phil doesn’t need to be worrying about you and his recovery.”

Those words hit him. He knew how true Louise’s words were. If Phil was aware of Dan’s isolation from the internet recently, then he would know the reason and only blame himself. Phil just needed to focus on getting better and the last thing he needed to do right now was worry about Dan.

He took a deep breath and nodded. “You’re right.”

“Of course I’m right!” She agreed encouragingly. “Now what are you waiting for? Get off your arse, and show him that you’re alright.”

The first thing he did the very next day he set up his lights and camera.

After pacing for hours trying to figure out what he was going to say, he shakily pressed the record button. The red light glared harshly at him as he sat down in front of the camera, taking a deep breath to try to calm himself down.

Hello, internet!” he greeted, giving a little wave. “I’m back now! It’s been a good while hasn’t it…”

After a night of no sleep, he had it fully edited and uploaded. Even with less sleep, he felt more awake than he had in weeks.

Since then, Louise started to come over periodically, once or twice a week to make sure that he was still functioning like a normal human being and keeps him company.

She helped him back to his feet. He now spent most of his days being productive, rather than moping around the flat all day. Because of her encouragement he’d gotten back on his normal schedule - as normal as it could be with the most important person in his life gone - and he’s honestly feeling better. The giant hole in him seems almost bearable now. Almost.

_~one month later~_

(June 20th)

Today he decided to do his first live show since Phil had left and he was dreading all the questions. When posting YouTube videos it was easy ignore comments, but being live was a completely different story. Even though he knew that the majority of he and Phil’s followers were understanding to their situation and respected their privacy, but then there are people who won’t stop picking away their lives till they know what happened.

To his surprise it had actually started off really well. Nobody asked any particularly intrusive questions and he started to feel comfortable. Relieved that he’d been worried about nothing, he easily fell back into tradition, rambling on about anime and music. But the feeling didn’t last. It wasn’t till about twenty minutes into the liveshow when he glanced over at the chat and saw a majority of the messages pouring in asking the same question over and over.

_hey dan, how’s phil?_

__

_TALK ABOUT PHIL_

__

_when is phil planning on coming back?_

__

_I miss Phil, any news?_

He realized he had been silent for a while, just staring at the comments scroll by. He sighed and cleared his throat. “Listen guys…” He trailed off, unsure of what to say and how to say it.

“I know you’re all want to know about Phil and what happened last month but I can’t. I _can_ tell you that he’s back up north staying with his family, but otherwise I will not be talking about it. There are some parts of our lives that need to ourselves and off the internet. If you didn’t see Phil’s tweets, he has asked for privacy, and right now I’m asking the same. We love you, but please leave this alone. Phil promised to come back when he’s ready.”

He took a deep breath, feeling some of the tension leave his body and glad to get that off his chest. “Thank you for listening, it’s just really important that everyone understands.” A big sigh escaped and him and he gave a small, but grateful smile. “So, now that that’s out of the way, let me tell you about this movie I just saw…”

Miles away, just on the other side of the screen, another was watching. A smile tugged at his lips and for the first time in months it finally reached his blue eyes.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank god for Louise AKA the voice of reason, am I right? I hope you all enjoyed this chapter and please tell me in the comments <3
> 
> This was originally going to be two chapters, but it made more sense to combine them so that's why this took longer than usual to post, so sorry :/ But speaking of chapters, I'm estimating maybe only 2-4 left! 
> 
> The chapter title and lyrics at the beginning are from the song Queen of Hearts by We The Kings.


	5. Words they don't know how to make amends (it's all done for you)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warning: in the second half there is a panic attack, so please take caution if that triggers you

_Words they don't know how to make amends_

_And all they do is push you to the edge_

_But it's not wasted_

_It's all done for you_

_-bvb-_

_~present: three months since ground zero~_

(July 25th)

It all started with a text.

Dan had fallen into a routine. He was functioning and things were getting better, but it was a fragile peace. Each day he teetered on the edge of falling into a black hole again, waiting for the day when he just couldn’t keep waking up alone. It was like he was walking wounded, but for the meanwhile he’s managed to keep himself from bleeding out.

Then his phone vibrated.

The text was from Louise. Completely normal, but it wasn’t the action of getting a text that shattered his little glass bubble, it wasn’t even what the text said. It was what came after.

_from Louise_

_Have you seen the SitC info yet? It was just released._

__

_to Louise_

_no, why…_

__

_from Louise_

_You might want to check it out._

A few seconds later he received another.

_from Louise_

_Call me when you have._

Confused and now curious why she was making a big deal out of this he went to his emails seeing the unread one from Summer in the City Convention. He had agreed a while ago with the staff and organizers and had agreed to do some panels and meet and greets, so he was unsure why Louise was acting so odd.

He skimmed through the email, unsure of what he was supposed to be looking for, but then he saw it. In the lengthy list of guests and people who would be attending the convention, he saw the name clear as day.

_AmazingPhil (Phil Lester)_

He stared at the screen and shock coursed through his body. He’d just assumed that Phil wouldn’t be going. He hadn’t heard anything from him and he hadn’t tweeted about going to Summer in the City. When Dan had agreed to attend, he didn’t even have a second thought about the possibility of Phil attending, but now...

He hastily shut his laptop, hurriedly grabbing for his phone. He fumbled around with the passcode before calling Louise. It took only two rings before he heard her pick up.

_“Dan?”_

“Y-yeah,” he stuttered, his mouth not fully cooperating with him. “It’s me.”

_“Okay, so I’m guessing you saw the email, right?”_

His mouth was bone dry so he swallowed. “Yeah, I saw it.” He felt oddly disconnected, unable to saw more than a few words at a time.

_“Are you okay?”_ Louise asked tentatively.

“I… I don’t know.” He licked his lips, still not over the shock. “I honestly don’t know what to think.”

There was a pause before she responded. _“Did Phil ever tell you or…”_

He shook his head even though he knew she couldn’t see him. “No, no he never said anything about it, I just assumed-” he cut himself off with a sudden thought.  “Louise, do you think…” He trailed off, nervousness suddenly creeping into his mind. “Do you think that this means he’s coming back?” He couldn’t help but have that choking hopefulness fill his tone, unable to hold it back.

_“Why don’t you just ask him?”_

The matter-of-fact words struck Dan in the face and an unwillingness grew in his stomach. “I don’t know Louise…” Dan bit his lip. “I don’t think I’m really the person he wants to hear from right now.”

_“Well, I think that you’re the exact person he needs to hear from.”_

Conflicting thoughts bounced around his head as he sat silent.

_“Dan, he’s your best friend. I may sound hard, but this will be good for you.”_  Louise reasoned, not unkindly.   _“It’s better to get answers now than to just pace around your flat thinking about what-ifs, I know you!”_

“Ugh, do you ever get tired of being right all the time.”

_“Well, it can be quite exhausting, but I deal.”_

After saying goodbye to Louise, he then proceeded to clean the entire flat, do the dishes and the laundry, and lie face down in the hallway for about thirty minutes. Then after having a very Shia Labeouf-esque pep talk with himself in the bathroom mirror, he’d convinced himself to stop procrastinating and to ‘just do it’.

Settling on emailing as the best choice of contact,  he’d so far managed to open up his email and click on ‘compose new’. Dan felt it was like the middle ground between texting and calling. Texting felt too short and impersonal, but he definitely didn’t want to risk having an awkward conversation over the phone, so _email_.

He stared at the blank page for a few minutes and then was caught in the vicious cycle of typing, then deleting, typing, then deleting. After about an hour he’d come up with a final draft ready to send.

Dread and anxiety weighed his hand down as his mouse hovered over the send button. After almost chickening out for the seventh time, he swallowed and started a countdown in his head, preparing himself.

_3…_

__

_what if he doesn’t want to hear from you_

__

_2…_

__

_this could scare him away for good_

__

_1…_

He pressed send.

****  
  
  


_~ground zero~_

(April 20th)

“Dan, we need to take a break.”

Dan sat there for a moment, mind blank, like he didn’t fully understand what Phil had just said. Then he did the opposite of what Phil ever expected he’d do; he laughed. A joyless harsh and broken bark. He stood up, shaking his head. “What?” He looked back at Phil with stunned disbelief, eyes filled with denial.

Phil cautiously stood up, too. “Dan, please let me explain-”

“Are you serious?” Phil flinched at Dan’s biting tone. “Take a break? What-” He clenched his fists, spitting out words poisonously, “Phil… I don’t get it, how can you do this to me! I thought that we could do this together, _why_ -”

“It’s not about you!” he shouted desperately. “Dan,” he pleaded, “can’t you see that this isn’t about you, or _us._  This is about me.”

Dan stared at him with hard eyes as Phil took a deep breath. “I love you,” he said, voice shaking. “More than anything that I’ve ever felt in my whole life… and that terrifies me.”

He covered his mouth with one hand and let out a dry sob, harsh and choking. “Dan… I’m-” The words got caught in his throat because they didn’t want to come out and he didn’t want to admit it.

“I’m r-relapsing.”

There they were. Out in the open. He’d said it out loud and it was no longer just this dreadful thought in his head. It was now reality. “Oh my God, Dan, I’m relapsing,” he repeated, the words blindly wrecking his mind. His head spun and he tried to ground himself, but the world was becoming too much and he didn’t know how to stop it.

He tried to seek out the calming brown eyes, but his vision was blurred with tears and he couldn’t concentrate because everything was moving _so fast and oh God he couldn’t breathe._

__

He could feel the walls caving in on him and one moment he was standing and the next he was on the floor with his back to the wall and head buried in his knees, chest ready to burst.

“Phil! Please it’s okay, I’m sorry!”

He drew in ragged breathes, but no matter how much his chest heaved he _couldn’t seem to find any air-_

__

“Phil, I need you to look at me. Can you do that?”

Phil’s body seemed to respond on it’s own to the command because next thing he knew he was staring into the brown eyes that he knew so well and he saw the mouth below the eyes moving, but he couldn’t hear or feel anything besides the violent pounding of his own heart against his rib cage.

“Phil, you need to breath. You can do it, I know you can. Come on.”

Phil tried to suck in a deep breath but his gasps only became faster burning his lungs, and he felt like he was falling, spinning out of control. He doesn’t realize till now that he’s been chanting, _I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry._

“I know you are…” _can’t breathe can’t breathe_ “Phil! Stay with me…” _I’m sorry I’m sorry_ “…come on, in and out…” _can’t breathe can’t-_

__

Dan’s voice filtered in and out of Phil’s chaotic thoughts and slowly began to sound clearer.

He felt a solid hand grasp his shoulder, grounding him, and he was able to get one solid gasp of air, and then two, and three.

“That’s it… keep going,” Dan softly encouraged, “Just like me, in and out.”

Phil nods and tried to focus his entire being to the sound of Dan’s breathing and gradually each gasp of air comes, slower and slower until his lungs are no longer in fire.

“You’re doing great. Just breathe in and out. I’m sorry, you’re okay.” Dan whispered. “You’ll be okay.” He pulled Phil into his chest and Phil clung to him, listening to the steady beat of his heart.

“I’m sorry,” he cried into his chest.

“I know you are,” Dan whispered, holding on tighter. “I know.”

 

Phil clung to him, but he knew that he'd have to let go.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Before you ask, yes, I am meme trash. I hope you all liked this chapter, I worked really hard this week so I could update asap :) Please leave some comments!
> 
> The title and lyrics at the beginning are from the song Done For You by Black Veil Brides and its seriously so beautiful and sad check it out <3
> 
> Also: would anyone be interested in listening to my spotify playlist for this series? I honestly love listening to playlists for fics so I just thought I'd ask. If so please tell me in the comments so I can link it in the next chapter.


	6. It’s been a while since we have talked (and you have grown)

_~present: over three months since ground zero~_

(August 1st)

Dan hadn’t checked his email in a week. It was too much. After sending the email to Phil he’d been too nervous to open it up, watching the number of new emails go up day after day. Fear that just one of those could be a reply from Phil just made his stomach twist itself into little knots and force itself up his throat.

But as the end of the week arrived he knew he couldn’t avoid it forever. Realizing that he needed to just get it over with, he sat up on the couch where he was lying and grabbed his laptop from the table. It was nearly 2 AM and the sudden brightness of the laptop screen blinded him for a moment as a dim light illuminated the lounge. His head screamed at him as he clicked on his email and waited for it to load.

Then there it was. Clear as day. The reply from Phil waiting patiently to be opened and cause his life to implode once more. His mouse moves eagerly towards it even though his entire being is telling him to do the opposite. He opened it.

**To:** _Dan Howell_

 **From:** _Phil Lester_

 **Subject:** RE: _no_ _subject_

_hi phil_

__

_i’m sorry that this is the first you’ve heard from me in months, but i wanted to give you your space. if this is still too soon, please feel free to ignore everything i’m about to say._

__

_i honestly have so many things to say but to not waste your time, i’ll just cut to the chase. i saw that you were on the sitc list and i was just wanting to see if that was true or just a mistake… if you could, please let me know._

__

_i’m sorry again for bothering you, but i really hope you’re doing better._

__

_dan_

_RE:_

__

_Dan, it’s so good to hear from you, I have no idea why you would think that you’d be bothering me. I miss you (I’m sorry if I’m being too forward but it’s true) and I hope that you’re doing well too! Not trying to sound like one of our fans, but it was such a relief when you started uploading again and seeing your videos brightens up my day :)_

__

_I’ve been doing better, thank you for asking, but don’t worry about me too much! (I know you…) And to answer your question: yes, I am planning on attending SitC this year. Nothing major, just a few meet-and-greets… I’m just trying to ease back into it, you know?_

__

_It’s great that you’re going as well! It’s gonna be so good to see you again! Feel free to call sometime, I’d love to hear your voice again._

__

_~Phil_

Dan sat there in what felt like shock, reading and rereading over and over. He hastily scrambled to grab his phone. Every rational thought in his mind was repeatedly screaming how bad of an idea this was, but his body seemed to move on its own, dialing Phil’s number. Time seemed to go on forever as he listened to the ringing on the cell phone next to his ear.

Suddenly the ringing stopped and he heard Phil’s groggy voice on the other end of the line. “Hello?”

“Phil?” he croaked, his voice catching on itself because _it was actually Phil and this wasn’t a dream it was really happening._ “I-it’s me, Dan.”

“Dan...” Phil breathed through the phone, suddenly the voice was very awake, “Oh my God, Dan I-I thought you were never going to call.”

“I’m really sorry I hadn’t gotten around to reading my emails till now”, Dan choked out, glossing over the fact that he purposely hadn’t opened his email in a week.

“No, it’s fine,” Phil whispered, still sounding surprised from the unexpected call. “It’s good to hear that you’re keeping yourself busy.”

“Yeah, busy.” Dan said blankly, also still in shock that Phil actually picked up.

“I was really beginning to think that you weren’t gonna call…” Phil said. “Especially not at two in the morning,” Phil laughed nervously and Dan went extremely red, realizing that he had been so caught up in the fact that Phil _actually wanted to speak with him -_ he had forgotten about what time it was.

“Oh God, I-I’m so sorry I didn’t even realize-” he stuttered. “I’m such an _idiot_ -”

“Dan it’s alright!” Phil reassured, pausing slightly. “It’s just really good to hear your voice.”

“Yeah, it’s really great to hear yours too.” Dan whispered, swallowing thickly. “So how are you?” he asked.

There was a bit of an awkward pause as he heard Phil hesitating. “I’m sorry Dan, but… It is okay if we don’t talk about that…?”

“Is everything alright?” Dan asked, suddenly very concerned.

“No, everything’s fine, sorry. I just kind of had a rough day at therapy today.”

“Oh.” Dan said, taken back. “So you’re going to therapy.” It came out more like a statement than a question. “Well that’s... nice.”

Phil coughed uncomfortably, “Yeah, I’ve been going for the past few months…”

“Right…" Dan nodded. "We don’t have to talk about anything you don’t want to.”

He heard Phil sigh in relief. “Thank you, Dan.”

“No, of course… So um… how are your parents?”

Phil seemed very glad at the change of subjects and went on about his family while Dan just listened feeling alive for the first time in months, just to Phil’s voice over the phone, something he wasn't sure he'd hear again. Then Dan told Phil about all the horrifically awkward stories about the adventures of his and Louise outings, nearly imploding with joy when he heard Phil’s laugh. Then they talked about Summer in the City, and Dan agreed to pick him up at the train station when he came back for the convention, filling him with a buzzing excitement. They talked for hours, all the way until Dan saw the sunrise through his windows.

“I probably should get some sleep before I have to get up again,” Phil said reluctantly.

Dan smiled, “Yeah me too probably, I don’t think Louise would be too happy about me pulling more all-nighters.”

He smiled wider when he heard Phil’s laugh on the other side, but his gut twisted at the thought of having to hang up.

“This was really great, Dan.” There was a pause before Phil spoke again, suddenly much softer. “I miss you.”

Dan’s chest hurt at those words and he clenched the phone harder. “I miss you too.” His smile wobbled slightly. “So much.”

“I’ll see you soon, yeah?”

 

"Yeah," Dan breathed. "Real soon."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hoped you all liked this chapter! Yay interaction!! I really wanted to upload this on thanksgiving to show how thankful I am for all of you that support this series, but my internet had been really dumb these last few days so I was sad about that... but I'm glad it was only one day delay :)
> 
> The chapter title is taken from 30 Lives by Imagine Dragons.
> 
> Please leave some comments and subscribe to see what happens next!
> 
> AN UPDATE (1-10-16): Sorry for the delay in the final part guys! I'm working really hard to finish it for the next weekend and if I get lucky and have some extra time maybe even during the week. Thank you for baring with me ~


	7. And I said, don't be afraid (we're going home)

_~present:  4 months since ground zero~_

 

(August 15th)

 

Dan arrived at the train station near the convention center an hour early, his stomach felt like it was continuously twisting itself into knots. He sat on a bench and waited, consistently going between the emotions of excitement and wanting to throwing up into the nearest bin. Then he waited some more, trying to focus on something other than his body’s sudden need to eject every organ inside itself. Dan passed the time by practicing what he was going to say when he came face to face with-

 

_Oh Christ I don’t think I can do this_

 

Suddenly over the intercom he heard the announcement of the train’s arrival and he stood up as the train pull into the station, anxiety pounding in his chest. He watched as the doors opened and his eyes steadily drifted over the multitudes of bustling people, scanning for the familiar raven hair.

 

Then he saw him, stepping out of the train. It was _Phil_ \- standing only a 20 feet away. His fringe hung a little longer than the last time he’d seen him and he seemed to be a little thinner, but it was still _Phil_.

 

He watched as his blue eyes searched through the masses and Dan’s voice got caught in his throat as he tried to call his name. He raised his hand to wave when suddenly their eyes met and he felt like he had been struck by lightning.

 

A huge grin split across Phil’s face, and suddenly Dan remembered how to move again, hardly even noticing the people he pushed through.

 

They meet each other in some where in the middle and Dan wasted no time in wrapping his arms around Phil and burying him in his chest. He took a deep breath, breathing him in because _it’s Phil he’s here it’s Phil._

 

“I missed you,” Phil said against his chest and it only made Dan’s arms constrict around him tighter.

 

“I missed you too,” he echoed, closing his eyes trying to take it all in. He let out a choked laugh, “I missed you so much.”

 

They hold on to each other probably longer than appropriate, but neither of the two seemed to care. Dan, to overcome with joy, could never imagine letting Phil go. He never wants to let go again. Then, as if on cue, that dark little voice in that back of his head whispered in his ear.

 

_That’s not your decision, he can leave again whenever he wants and you can’t stop him._

 

Swallowing hard, Dan silenced the terrible thought trying to focus on the moment - on Phil’s body against his.

 

_He’s here now and that’s all that matters._

 

After clinging to him for several more moments Dan reluctantly pulled away from the embrace, smiling down at him. Phil’s previous grin had shrunk into a smaller purely content smile; the private smile that even Dan had only gotten to see on rare occasions.

 

Unable to help himself, his hand found itself caressing the side of Phil face gently. “Hey,” Dan whispered, thumb stroking the other’s cheek.

 

Phil ducked his head smiling, a small blush appearing on his cheeks. “Hey,” Phil whispered back, slightly leaning into Dan’s hand.

 

Like a cold bucket of water thrown at him, he suddenly remembered that they were in public and Dan let his hand drop to Phil’s shoulder. “Ready to go?”

 

Phil nodded his head. “Yeah, let’s go.”

 

Dan reached down and picked up Phil’s luggage, despite the other’s protests, and led the way out of the station, rambling on about god-knows-what. His nervousness causing him to stutter and pause awkwardly.

 

But as the conversation progressed, they fell back into their old pattern. Dan was quickly reminded what it was about them that made them work _\- their chemistry_ \- the way they just clicked back into place, like two puzzle pieces. Fit just for each other.

 

They hugged like nothing bad had happened between them. They talked like Phil hadn’t left for months. They laughed like Dan hadn’t spent days and weeks trying to pull himself back together _because he couldn’t fix things he had failed-_

 

They smiled like they hadn’t been apart for more than a moment.

 

It felt good.

 

~~~

 

The convention days went by quickly - in a whirlwind of meet-and-greets, panels, hugs, and more selfies than he could ever imagine counting - and Dan was beginning to feel all the commotion weighing down on him.

 

Phil had been the sole driving force to keep him going on the past days - going to most of Dan’s events, but just staying behind the scenes. The first two day weren’t as exhausting as he’d thought, but by the last day he was completely drained. However, having no obligations that day besides the final ‘goodbye’ stage event at the end of the day, he had every reason to just sleep the day away - and that’s what he had planned to do. Until he heard a knock on his hotel door.

 

Groaning into his pillow he rolled over, hoping whoever it was would just go away. Then there was another knock. Dan let out another loud sound of annoyance, reaching for a pillow to cover his ears so he could just _fucking sleep-_

 

“Dan? Are you in there?” Phil’s muffled voice filtered through the door.

 

Dan’s eyes flew open at the sound of his voice, sitting straight up. He stumbled out of bed clumsily, calling out, “Yeah, I’m here! Just a second!”

 

He hurried to the door, quickly stopping by the mirror in an abysmal attempt to fix the nest of hair on his head before opening the it for Phil.

 

“Hey,” Dan greeted, _really_ hoping that he didn’t look like he’d just woken up ten seconds ago.

 

“Good morning, Dan! I hope I didn’t wake you…” Phil said, uncertainty creeping into his tone.

 

“No, no. Of course not,” Dan lied, “You look nice,” He quickly changed the subject, gesturing to Phil’s clothes - who was wearing his long sleeved blue button-up with the black hearts with the sleeves rolled up and a pair of black skinny jeans.

 

“Thank you! I’ve got a meet-and-greet today, so I figured I’d try to look presentable.” Phil smiled at him and Dan noticed a twinge of nervousness in his eyes. He stood there in the awkwardly in the hallway for a moment. “Um… Can I come in?”

 

Dan wanted to smack himself in the face. “Oh, of course!” He shook his head beratingly, moving to Phil inside. “I’m sorry, I should have just-”

 

“It’s fine, Dan,” Phil interjected, laughing softly. He walked inside and Dan shut the door behind him.

 

“So what do you have going on today?” Phil asked as he sat down on the foot of Dan’s bed, fiddling with the ends of the sheets.

 

“Well,” Dan said, “I don’t have anything till the ‘closing ceremony’. Plus, we have that party tonight so we can hang out with everybody before they leave.” He watched as Phil picked more at the sheets.

 

“Phil…” Dan gently prompted, causing Phil to look up at him. “Are you okay? You kind of seem a little” - he gestured to the sheets - “distracted.”

 

Phil swallowed, looking down at his hands. “Sorry, I guess I’m just nervous. I have my meet-and-greet today and…” he trailed off, closing his eyes.

 

Dan walked over and sat next to him. “Hey, listen to me,” he said softly, and Phil glanced up at him. “You’ve got nothing to be nervous about. Everyone here loves you! You’ll do great, I’m sure of it.”

 

“It’s just-” Phil bit his lip, blue eyes turning into seas of anxiety. “What if people start to ask questions? I mean, I’ve been gone for so long they all probably want to know and-” he buried his face in his hands, breathing harshly. “I’m sorry,” he choked out.

 

“Hey, it’s okay,” Dan comforted and hesitantly laid a hand over his shoulders, not sure if he’d want to be touched. Relieved when Phil leaned into his touch, Dan pulled him into a hug. “Everything will be okay, just breathe,” he whispered into his ear. “You’ll be okay.”

 

Once Phil had calmed down he pulled away from the embrace, wiping his eyes. “I’m sorry, I didn’t think I was going to be this bad today,” he sniffed.

 

Dan signed, putting a hand on Phil’s knee. “Phil, you know you never have to apologize for having anxiety. It’s okay. It’s not your fault.”

 

Phil didn’t say anything, searching Dan’s eyes and looking away. Dan cleared his throat and asked, “So what time’s your thing at?”

 

“In about two hours.” Phil replied, looking grateful for the change of subject. He smiled nervously. “It’s kinda strange doing this when having been away for so long.”

 

Dan nodded. He paused a moment before hesitantly asking, “Do you… want me to come with you?”

 

O-Oh, Dan… You- You don’t have to…” Phil stuttered. “I mean- I know that you were looking forward to doing nothing today and-”

 

“Phil,” Dan said softly as he grabbed his hand. “I wouldn’t offer if I didn’t want to do it. If you want me to be there I will.”

 

Phil smiled at him, squeezing his hand back. “Then yes, Dan. I’d love it if you came.”

 

~~~

 

_**@phanielhowell** _

_SITC UPDATE: DAN WAS AT PHIL’S MEET AND GREET. I REPEAT: DAN WAS AT PHIL’S MEET AND GREET. PHAN HAS BEEN REUNITED. SOMEONE HOLD ME_

 

**_@phxnislove_ **

_does anyone have pics of dan at phils m &g bc im dying to see _

 

**_@lesterlove_ **

_psa: remember to still respect phil’s boundaries. just bc he’s at sitc doesn’t mean you should ask him with questions about why he was gone_

 

**_@sleepyphil_ **

_LIKE I CAN’T EVEN MY OTP IS BACK PEOPLE #phanatsitc @amazingphil @danisnotonfire_

 

_~~~_

 

Just as Dan had assured, Phil’s meet and greet had gone perfectly well. All of the people there to see Phil were nothing but friendly, never being invasive or doing anything that would make him uncomfortable. The rest of the day flew by and suddenly the convention was over.

 

Now Dan stood talking to Louise as everyone departed.

 

“Will you two be okay?” Louise asked, her eyes gazing pointedly at Phil.

 

Dan looked over to where he was, standing with the other remaining youtubers. He watched as Phil said goodbye to their friends, openly accepting their hugs and good wishes. He watched as the one who used to flinch from touch didn’t flinch as Tyler bear hugged him. He watched as the joy glimmered in the once empty eyes.

 

The smile wasn’t fake now.

 

Dan felt a burn in his throat and he smiled at Louise. “Yeah,” he said as he watched Phil wave goodbye to the others and start to walk over. “I think that we’re gonna be okay.”

 

Louise smiled back and pulled him into a hug. “I’m happy for you two, Dan,” she whispered in his eyes. She pulled away, smile a little smaller now. “You both deserve to be happy together.”

 

Dan rested a hand on her shoulder. “Thank you, Louise. For everything.”

 

She brushed it off, “That’s what amazing friends like me are for, aren’t they?” Dan laughed and nodded. “I’ll hear from you soon, yeah?” she asked as she started to walk away. “You too, Phil?” she added as Phil walked over.

 

Phil laughed. “Of course, Louise.” Louise gave them both a final hug and waved goodbye. They both watched as she walked away and then Phil turned towards Dan. His blue eyes shone brightly and Dan felt his insides twist a little at the sight, just for now letting himself think _we’re going to be okay._

 

“Ready to go home?” Phil asked, holding out his hand.

 

Dan stared at the hand, eyes burning slightly. He reached out and grabbed it. “Yeah…” he choked out, squeezing his hand tightly. “Let’s go home.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And that’s the end. I’m thankful for all you guys that have stuck with me through this story. Like seriously I couldn’t thank you enough. Now please forgive me for this extra long note.
> 
> The point of this series was partly to show the true effects of abusive relationships (or just trauma in general), but the MAIN reason for making this was to go against the whole trope of ‘magical healing relationships’. There are a lot of fics out there that something terrible happen to person A, but right when they get with person B all the pain and suffering goes away and that’s NOT HOW IT WORKS. This same thing is also seen a lot with depression and self harm.  
> In order to get better you need to focus on yourself, not others. Like Phil in this story, in order for him to improve and to start getting better, he had to go take care of himself. Relationships aren’t magic fixes to your problems, please please please seek help if you need it ~
> 
> also if you have one of those twitter handles that I used- then you’re welcome for the extra promo (not intentional they’re just names that I came up with on the spot). Let it also be noted that I no nothing about conventions or british train stations, but I hoped you all enjoyed it regardless. 
> 
> Okay last thing. I’m not sure if this is going to be the last part for this series or not. Firstly because this is a really good place for it to end, but I also have a few other ideas for this series floating around in my head. If there’s anyone who would like to see this continued, please let me know the comments. I’ve also made this offer before, but if you really want this to keep going, the best way to encourage that would be to give some prompts/ideas of where you want this to go to.
> 
> The title for this chapter was taken from Taxi Cab by twenty one pilots. Thank you again everyone, love you guys <3
> 
> ~fallloutangel

**Author's Note:**

> Don't kill me!!! Please just trust me, this is all part of the plan. I don't know exactly how long this part will be, but I do have it planned out and I've already started the next chapter. (I'm just unsure how many chapters there will be atm) 
> 
> The title is (still) from Run And Go by top and the chapter title + lyrics at the beginning are from Coldplay's song: The Scientist, which inspired this part of the series. 
> 
> Make sure to subscribe to find out what happens and tell me your thoughts/predictions in the comments! Luv ya'll <333


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